Issue 4

Dear Mr Vasili, 

I am writing to inform you that you are not Mr Vasili.

 

 

Hi, is that Deborah Bradburn? Phil Vasili here.

Oh, ha ha. Vasili. Very funny. 

I’m calling about your letter. 

What letter?

The one telling me I’m not who I think I am.

What about it?

You’re wrong. I’m exactly who I think I am. No question about it.

Really? Vasili? I don’t think so.

No, honestly.

Well I think you’re rather silly, Mr Vasili. Very silly actually. And rather obvious.

But it’s my name.

Oh really? And it’s got nothing whatever to do with petroleum jelly either I suppose?

What? 

That well known lubricant. 

I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.

With all its sordid associations. 

Vaseline? That has an ‘e’ init.

Keep your sexual depravity to yourself.

I’ve only ever used it for chapped lips.

Enjoy sniggering at your dirty little jokes did you Mr Vasili.

But it’s my name.

Really Phil? I suppose that’s real too.

Phil? Yes, it is.

Yeah, right. l know a homophone when I see one Phil. Fill. You’re disgusting.

Look me up online. I’m a writer. 

Don’t worry, I am.

My play was performed at the Octagon last year.

........

It was called Tull.

.......

About a man called Walter Tull.

.......

Deborah?

........

Are you still there?

Huh! You must think I’m an idiot. Just because this Vasili person’s mentioned online, it doesn’t mean it’s you.

Who else would it be.

Someone who isn’t you, obviously.

Isn’t me?

No, not not you. I mean not Phil Vasili. Obviously.

Not me?

No! Not Phil Vasili. Who isn’t you.

But I’m Phil Vasili.

No, you’re not. You’re not him.

Not who?

You’re not Mr Vasili Mr Vasili. 

But I am Mr Vasili.

Not that Mr Vasili.

You mean I’m some other Mr Vasili?

Exactly Mr Vasili. You’re a fraud Mr Vasili. For all I know you’ve stolen his name.

Why would I steal the name of someone with the same name as myself?

Why indeed?

I may as well keep my own name.

Not if you wished to conceal your deviant behaviour Mr Vasili. 

But how do you know I haven’t kept it?

Because you're clearly a very devious person Mr Vasili. First you try to throw me off the scent with silly puns, then try to shock me with sexual innuendo, and now......

And now?

And now, now that I’ve seen through your infantile ruse Mr Vasili, you try to convince me you really are Mr Vasili. Well it won’t work Mr Vasili. I’m on to you. 

You seem less certain. Are you vascillating.

No I’m ...... huh, there you go again! Vascillating. You must think I’m stupid.

I assure you I hold you in the highest regard Deborah. I’m just trying to facilitate a solution.

Facilitate? Really? Oh come, come Mr Vasili. 

Look, what if I re-send my Freedom of Information request under my real name?

So you accept you’re not who you say you are?

I’m only trying to be helpful Deborah.

Don’t you think you might have done that in the first place Mr Vasili? 

I can send it by the next post.

All this unpleasantness could have been avoided. 

It’ll arrive under the name of Phil Vasili. But this time it’ll be the right Phil Vasili.

Wasting my time like this.

Sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Petroleum jelly indeed, Mr Vasili.

If there’s any additional details needed just let me know.

And unpleasant innuendo

I can always fill you in.

Thank you Mr Vasili.

Please, call me Phil.